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Sunday, April 29, 2012 The long awaited long weekend is finally here! Well i must say this post is 2 days slow. Nevertheless I wont be reporting back to work till Wednesday ::) How nice is that? Having spent the last 2 days of this long weekend lazing at home, i must really say that i havent been Maximizing my time really well. Contrary to what most would have wanted, i actually hoped that the days past by faster as i lay on my bed throughout the day, feeling lost to what i should do and how i should spend my time. The predicament that i am caught in now has really taken much of my motivation and fighting spirit away. I ought to be out with some company. To breath in some fresh air, have some sort of entertainment, rather than stay at home and live a loafer's life. My close frens, Sheep, Mong, GS... The girls, or just girl, Jocelyn. Somehow knowing that all of them are attached made me feel really unwilling to ask them out. I wonder why. But most of the reason that stopped me from calling anyone of them is because, I've only wanted company from a single individual. But she is too far away as of now, and even if she is right here beside me, the company we can have together is no longer the same. It saddens me, whenever i look at the pictures we had. Even just b4 you left, we were hugging, kissing, holding hands and talking about how much we will miss one another and how we will cherish our future together when you are back. Unfortunately, you seem to be another person at this point of time. Having numbed your hearts so much to your own qualities and self declared fate. The girl that i know, seemed to have disappeared. I am lost with words. To be honest, i cant explain the situation we are in. I am glad that you are overseas in a foreign land. I know, at least with the alienating surrounding and good people around you, you feel more alive; compared to where i stand now. Its definitely not easy being Mingbang right now. It so sad that, the only person that i truely wan to speak to, is also the person i cannot convey my heartfelt emotions to. I can no longer find anyone to connect. Even as of now, i can only choose to reveal my emotions to a blog. One that no one reads. One that no one know of its existence. It sucks knowing that my family knows of something is wrong. But i just dont know how to appear weak infront of them. I told them that I wanna see the world after i graduate. To travel the world as i train up myself and advance in my career. So a relationship isnt my most focus. Tough words. But my heart still lies weak and shattered by the truth that hurts the most. I just hope that July can come quick. I will always remember this period of the yr 2012. I can only tell myself, be brave. Fake it even if that is not the truth. Bite my lips, clinch my fists. Wipe those tears away. Fuck everything. Just carry on with the path forward. i'm so sure of what i feel inside 11:50 PM Friday, March 2, 2012 The silence of the night filled my ears. I looked around me and i realised, it was the 4 corners of my room that returned gaze. I looked into the sky and pondered, while we both shared the same moonlight, how are you doing at at your end? I browsed through my wadsapp contacts, eventually scrolling to you. I was thankful that i can still trace you by seeing that you have been online 5mins ago. I guess I had never been so much out of your life before. Looking at how bad this time was, and how the "place" factor has separated us, I knew that nothing could be done to salvage the situation even if i wanted to. As of now, even if i did fly over for a couple of days, i knew it could do nothing but to preserve how diminishing sense of connection for a while more. Coming to think of this, how much can a few msges do good to us? And how much more can i draw u closer to me? Sending you digital msges that are worth nothing after a swipe of the "delete" button? Our relationship takes more than just that to be patched up. We need time to be together to let things heal. A privilege we can never have for now. With that, i pulled myself back and switched off my phone; killing all intentions to send you something. Hard and painful it is. Since we cant be together, i guess it's just natural we separate. Until the better days come again. Will they my princess? Im sure you wouldnt dare make decisions as such, bcos "fate" is a strong control factor in your life. Better days will come, but it may not be for the two of us to see through together. How i missed those happy days in Thailand, when I had an opportunity to take care of you while you were sick on bed. The surprise u had during ur 21st birthday. And the nice tom yum we shared in the hotel. Things were always alright when we are together without distractions (tgh etc). But when we aint together, things just go haywire. I guess we just havent got close enuf to give each other enuf trust and support. If only god can give me another chance. My days has been fine. Battling the world. Finding ways to better understand my boss. Managed to speak to Song the night before. While i shared my views towards my supervisor, experienced as Song is, he gave me valuable insight from my supervisor's perspective. I admit, Song made alot of sense making me feel like i am guilty of the "fresh graduate syndrome". I am just too new to understand the working society and how it functions. His words were pure enlightenment, and I feel myself growing up really. I guess people seldom have matching expectations of each other, and things tend to go wrong if we do not make leeway to understand their expectations so as to fulfill it better and adjusting your own about them so you wont feel so disappointed. If they are useless, dont have any for them, if they over expect out of you, perform better. If they expect less of you, out perform. Either way, it's up to how much you wanna prove yourself and how much less you wanna cut your lifespan by making yourself happier with the situation. As of now, i have seen the flaws of Wilson, and to some point, i am excited to see more of it so that i can always remember the traits of a failed leader. On the other hand, i am equally excited to learn how to deal with his convictions about me and how i look (lol). It aint gonna be easy, but i am eager to embrace the challenge. Im glad i still have you mr blog. Let's call it a day tonight. Still have to wake up early for project tmr. My trip may jolly well go unhindered. The weather in Taiwan seem to have calmed for good. let's do this and do this well. i'm so sure of what i feel inside 10:27 PM Thursday, March 1, 2012 If you do read my blog. I would have hoped that you told me abt it. But i guess u are too busy with your life. I am highly hypocritical. At this point of time, i just feel like breaking down, running over to you for a hug. A warm hug. But I will never allow to become this weak. No matter how painful things are going, i will just clinch my first, throw all emotions behind, carry on walking forward. And hopefully at the end of the route, i can wash off all memories and start afresh. At times of this, i cant help but think of those happy memories. How i hope i can have them back now. You know how badly i have advocated on fighting for the future while we leave our past behind. Right now i feel like a total loser hoping to seek out the past for comfort. I have no idea what went wrong, but i can only pray that i was given another chance to try again. Maybe i just dont know when to give up, albeit at times when i look back, there are really seriously differences between the two of us, but i still believed we could have overcome them. But i guess we just had too little time to work on them. I have no idea wad will happen in this few months. Perhaps u will fall in love again. Perhaps get even closer with tgh whom in my very impression feels like is the best man for you. Frankly speaking, it will hurt alot if u get attached soon, and it sucks even more if it is going to be him. Somehow i am highly pessimistic, and i knew something along the line may happen. Wahaha. You may jolly well become the number one regret that i will never forget. Can someone help me? i'm so sure of what i feel inside 7:13 PM Monday, February 27, 2012 Had an opportunity to speak to Gary today. This is the first time we actually spoke about our true emotions about work. I was glad that i wasn't the only person to face issues working until our supervisor. All this while, i have always felt that my supervisor had something against me, and from then on, it was never easy working with him. True enough, Gary confirmed my sentiments. And apparently, I have been judged by my hairstyle and my looks. I didn't look like someone whom my supervisor will like. He judged me so superficially and that made all of our lives difficult. That is the first reason, deep in my heart, i had no respect for him. He allowed superficial values to dictate his judgement over someone. For that i despise him. From the looks of his career, i cant doubt that he has been working really hardly for more than 10years. With this duration of experience in the same industry, albeit taking on different roles each time he switched jobs, i'm sure he knew what he was doing. However there is always a higher mountain. What is 10years of experience as compared to another with 20years? Under utilizing the expertise he have around him to improve while he stand rigidly of his own ways gave me another reason not to respect him. To be honest, during this period when he is in Derby undergoing training, Gary and I have learn more than what we had under him. We listened and considered words from our highly experienced trainer from UK. This ang moh has been working in Rolls-Royce for the past 20 years and it is his first company and probably his last as well. This trainer is a remarkable leader, one who see potential in his subordinates and delegates work according to their strengths. Together, the 3 of us ran the entire show with great efficiency and success in the absence of my supervisor. Under his guidance i was really happy as my work was seen useful by the company and it gave me reasons to go even further. This was something i had never felt under my supervisor. Certain people are just not born to be leaders. If you are incapable but still forced into the role, dont mind your weakness, instead embrace it and let those who have strengths help you out, even if they are your subordinates. My supervisor's inadequacies in such aspect gave me a third reason not to respect him. Come to think about it, he even lied to me, telling me that the ops director was against how i looked and he asked me to consider a haircut. I will rather you to tell me straight in the face your emotions and explained why you felt as such. I may have given you a slight bit of respect for your honesty and efforts to seek understanding. I was really angry seeing the character he was and I certainly do not think that he is worthy to be my supervisor. To me, i can only see him as someone who has that many years of experience. I was still dumb enough to consider why he is still holding such a position with this amount of work experience. Meritocracy does run in the society. And he definitely deserve his position, or lack of. I take a heath of sigh, not for myself, but for him. And yes, all such sentiments, i can only keep within myself. Frankly, there was no one that i could speak to about such emotions. I was glad singing and a cup of icy cold Baileys did the job to make me feel better. Infront of him, it is another false front of respect i need to portray. I know exactly what he expects of an intern under him. I will give it to him. He will never know how badly i will want to step on him. But for me, i am working harder every moment to make sure if i do work full time in Rolls-Royce one day, he will be way under me. i'm so sure of what i feel inside 10:38 PM Friday, February 24, 2012 Having walked so much thus far, i asked myself a simple question, am i happy? Right now everyone's busy with their own lives. Dajie/song, too busy with kd they aint got the time to have dinner with me, not even to listen to what i wanna say. Erjie/Eric, sanjie/louis... way too far. Dad? not even in the picture. Mum isnt really the best person to talk to cos it makes her worried too much. So home is warm, but still i was forced to close myself in, into my room. All i have is the com, and 4 walls to surround me. Work has been way excellent. I cant remember which part of my life when i can be praised by so many people for so many times. Truthful or just a figure of speech, i ain't matter. But it felt like my efforts have been seen. Gary and I are really doing a splendid job setting up the whole of manufacturing services in Rolls-Royce. I am glad that, in my supervisor's absence, we can follow our ideas more easily without he and his "expertise" there to stop us. It's a fantastic feeling knowing that everyone is depending on you tho u are just an intern and they are perm staffs. Ego boosts. But if only i can work for 24/7. I may just feel more fulfilled in life. Looking at the graduates working in Rolls Royce, the move around so frequently, once every 6 months doing different jobs in different countries. Im really jealous of them. How i hope that i can be like tat them right now this moment. I really wish to just disappear from where i am, go to a place where there are no records of myself, just to start everything anew. I appear strong infront of people. But they can never understand how much i hoped for certain things to happen. How i wished i could hold on tight to the one i love. How much i can spend every minute with her. Be in her life every moment. Unfortunately to mask all that, i have to do exactly the opposite of just tat. screw it. just tired. nights world i'm so sure of what i feel inside 11:35 PM Thursday, February 16, 2012 在这时候听到你的消息，令我感到十分欣慰。 能知道你的踪影让我非常高兴。 好温暖。 你好像过的很好。 没有了我，好像给了你解脱。 你也许否认，但这往往是一个可能。你的生活更灿烂，我也为你开心。 我在工作上取得了很好的成绩。 不知为何 ，我不想与你当面说。 好像想故意拉远咱们的距离。不说这些。能投到爱才的人，能投到一个会欣赏你优点的人，感觉真好。 我看，我的老外大老板是看到了我的好， 告诉了我没用的上司。这个废物才开始欣赏我。 当然，我在他面前也虚伪的很。 什么都奉承他，让他戴上一顶高帽。他何尝不飞到九霄云外。我好阴险。但要在这社会生存，人能多赖就得多赖，多伪就多伪。 世上人，多多看到的，只不过是外表的你，尽是这样， 能有多个能提拔你的朋友， 胜于多一个在你背上捅上千刀的小人。以赖和伪安天下， 阴险一点又如何？ 只要在爱的人面前，做回真正的自己，就足够了。公司的人， 换了工，便消失其间。 爱得人。又谈到了伤心事。 不说了。 憋在心里吧。。。 知音难得，正爱就更别说了。 名榜又回到了自己靠自己的生活。 好漫长。 好漫长。 i'm so sure of what i feel inside 9:02 PM Wednesday, February 15, 2012 你好吗？ 抬着沉重的脚步， 我一步一步的慢走回家。 这一天仿佛是这辈子里过的最漫长的一天。 在公司里看着手表，每分钟的时间就好像一个小时一样。 我想了好多好多。 过去的三年，让我了解了好多自己独自学不到的东西。例如，如何去爱。 如何表达爱。 这一切都是你教我的。从你身上，我也看清楚了自己的个性，了解了自己需要的是什么。 对你的了解，也算是到了绝顶。 公主啊，你教了我如何爱。 但为何你却不能以爱保护身旁重要的人呢？ 我觉得你好像把次序弄反了。爱一个人并非是要他处处了解你， 宽容你。爱一个人是你处处了解他，宽容他。 让他快乐。而不是你每次和我说的，“你以为你会明白。” 这些年来，我牢牢的死咬着这些词，耐心的对待您，心里说的是，重有一天，我的公主也会这么做。 很遗憾的， 孤掌难鸣。也许我太过于的宠你，所以到头来， 这一切都变成了“应当如此。” 想想吧公主。 也许我更本就不适合你。 我要得到的，让你觉得我在约束你的自由。你不能做自己。我也接受了你的这个看法。但我只想说，我应为爱你，已经不是以前的自己。 我放弃了一前的自己，为了爱你。但这个变化让我更加的快乐。这些变化也让你好受了很多很多。我能以爱情化为让自己进步的踏脚石。为何你却依依墨守成规，原封不动呢？ 爱情就好像是运动里的双打。 只要队员合作，打出来的球，一定精彩。可惜，我们志不合，道不同，不相为某。只好到了你走你的，我走我的时候。。 我心如刀割。 心疼欲裂。我也只能在梦里当你的夫君。。。。 好好的活下去我的公主。你永远是我的公主，我依然的那么爱你。 i'm so sure of what i feel inside 7:36 PM |